canada goose store The 5 Most Needlessly Complex Terror Plots in Film History canada goose store

Canada Goose sale Real terrorist plots tend to have two steps: blow stuff up, take credit. Maybe if they’re feeling creative they’ll blow themselves up or light their shoe on fire first. Canada Goose sale

canadian goose jacket Action movie terrorists, on the other hand, like their plans to canadian goose jacket have as many interlocking steps as possible, like an intricate Rube Goldberg machine of death and maniacal cackling. Since we have entirely too much time on our hands, we’re saluting the villains who contrived the most needlessly convoluted terror plots in action movie history. canadian goose jacket

canada goose black friday sale It’s the movie equivalent of a Mexican restaurant that distracts you from the low quality meat by piling on thick enchilada sauce and playing loud, embarrassing music whenever it’s someone’s birthday. canada goose black friday sale

So what’s it going to be, Payne? Dress up as Napoleon and rob the canada goose clearance sale US Mint to fund your life’s goal of snowboarding Mt. canada goose Everest?

canada goose clearance sale Wait, you’re going to blow up a public buy canada goose jacket cheap bus unless the cops give you what you want? That. that actually might work. It’s simple, to the point. Christ, it’s like you’re a real terrorist or something. Wait, why are you still talking? What do you mean the bus only blows up if it goes below 50 MPH? Goddamnit, that doesn’t canada goose store even make sense! Are you protesting the speed limit? canada goose clearance sale

canada goose factory sale Of course, every bus will eventually go above 50 MPH and slow back down, so you still might be in the clear. You just need to make sure you keep your stupid loophole a secret until the bomb blows up. And not that we should have to tell you this, but when we say you shouldn’t tell anyone, that includes the explosives expert who, despite his dazed expression and perpetually stoned manner of speaking, is the only person who’s ever come close to being able to catch you. canada goose factory sale

Oldman and his crew gain access to Air Force One by disguising themselves as a Khazakistany news team in order to trick the President into looking at naked pictures of an obese woman.

Canada Goose Jackets Wait, wrong movie. In Air Force One they use the Khazakistany news team disguise to hijack Air Force One and take the President hostage. Apparently the secret service is approximately as easy to dupe as Pamela Anderson’s security detail. But don’t worry, the movie has all your, “Don’t they do background checks on people they let onto Air Force One?” questions covered. Canada Goose Jackets

See, one of the secret service agents is in league with the terrorists. They’re hoping you’ll be too exhausted from that first question to ask follow up questions like, “Don’t they do background checks on secret service agents?”

canada goose coats Regardless of the convoluted way he gets there, Oldman finds himself in control of the canada goose deals President, his family and more importantly an awesome plane with a kitchen and recliners about 20 minutes into the film. canada goose coats

This would be a pretty sizable bargaining chip in most cases. If we found ourselves with that sort of leverage, it would be about 30 minutes before our demands were met (all four of the mouths on the side of Mt. Rushmore now wrapped around cocks). But in this particular case, the President was only in Moscow in the first place to deliver a speech about canada goose outlet how America DOESN’T NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS.

And Canada Goose Jackets this just pisses him off more

Canada Goose Online Oldman seem to be under the impression that America is run by a team of 11 year olds who only follow official policy until cheap Canada Goose you threaten to hurt someone. Also, and here’s where it gets really stupid, Oldman kidnaps the most closely guarded man on the planet in order to negotiate the release of a dictator who’s being held by. Russia. That’s right, he’s threatening to kill the President of the United States to scare a country that just spent the better part of a century glaring across the Bering Strait and muttering “motherfucker” under its breath. Canada Goose Online

Apparently the idea is that no one’s going to believe the likable Jeff Bridges when he accuses typecast creep Robbins and his cold unattractive wife of anything untoward. And for some reason, that’s exactly the brick wall of anti logic he runs into every time he tries to point out that the couple next door are so obviously terrorists.

uk canada goose Why would anyone believe Bridges? He’s just a college professor. Who teaches a course on domestic terrorism. uk canada goose

buy canada canada goose clearance goose jacket cheap Robbins never explains what the sodomy has to do with anything buy Canada Goose Outlet canada goose jacket cheap

Somehow, the plan works. Bridges plays into their hands and follows a confusing trail of clues right up to the building they want him to blow up. It’s a terror plot in the sense that going to Vegas and putting your life savings on the same number 10 times in a row is a financial investment strategy.

If you think we’re being nit picky here, don’t just take our word for it. Roger Ebert wants some fucking answers too:

Canada Goose Parka “How can anyone, even skilled conspirators, predict with perfect accuracy the outcome of a car crash? How can they know in Canada Goose Parka advance that a man will go to a certain pay phone at a certain time, so that he can see a particular truck he needs to see? How can the actions of security guards be accurately anticipated? Isn’t it risky to hinge an entire plan of action on the hope that the police won’t stop a car speeding recklessly through a downtown area?” Canada Goose Parka

Well, in a sense it buy canada goose jacket doesn’t. The whole thing goes off without a hitch. In another sense: What’s the point of framing a college professor for your act of terrorism? Aren’t terrorists supposed to have some reason they’re blowing stuff up? A political reason maybe?

Canada Goose Outlet We’re left to conclude that the terrorists in Arlington Road are fighting for the twin causes of awesome explosions and asinine twist endings. Hummel from The Rock Canada Goose Outlet

And just like the real vets who tried to raise public awareness by staging protests and lobbying their representatives in Congress, Harris and his men. steal missiles full of nerve gas, take all the tourists on Alcatraz hostage, and then threaten to kill every man woman and child in the city of San Francisco unless the US makes with some cash.

Fear not henchmen, Harris has thought this one through. As he explains to his men, “A couple of hundred years ago, a few guys called Washington, Jefferson and Adams were branded as traitors by the British, and now they’re canada goose black friday sale called patriots. In time so shall we.”

Canada Goose Coats On Sale For some reason, none of his men raise their hand here to canada goose coats on sale point out that his plan involves killing a city full of innocent Americans. Or that this will probably be significantly less popular with Americans than the Revolutionary War. Or that you’d probably have a better chance of being called a patriot if you just waited for Ronald Reagan to die, jumped atop his coffin while Nancy was paying her final respects and turkey slapped her across the face. Canada Goose Coats On Sale

canada goose Mr. Harris of course doesn’t need to worry about long term public perception since his plan unravels long before that. To begin with, it’s all an elaborate bluff. Apparently his plan was to give the military a stern talking to, make a bunch of loud noise, get paid money, escape from Alcatraz and presumably ride a unicorn to Never Neverland. canada goose

If that second to last phase of the operation, escape from Alcatraz, sounds familiar its because they made an entire movie about the only people who http://www.mycanadagoosejacket.org ever did it successfully. The Rock implies Alcatraz is a good place to be when you’re threatening the US military because it used to be the site of a military base, canada goose coats but as General Harris would know, the military gave up on using it Canada Goose online as a base because it’s a tiny shitty island in the middle of a bunch of cold shitty water. It’s a great place to stick people you never want to see again, and an awful place to do absolutely anything else.